Dating > Job hunting — an analogy

I just went through a five-stage interview process for a new job and it occurred to me that the parallels for this process and finding the right partner are pretty similar. Bear with me as I present this humorous analogy to you.

Intro: Being single > being unemployed

The need to fill this role is most likely to be achieved by using an app or website, where you post a picture, a profile, some pertinent info and prospective suitors can see if you are compatible.

This is essentially exactly the same process as finding a job

LinkedIn is not that dissimilar to dating apps.

Ok so you ‘match’ with a suitable candidate, whats next?

First stage interview — coffee (screening)

“Ok well I liked your profile, thanks for applying for the role of my new partner. I’ve had a ton of applicants so this is an initial screening interview (get rid of the psychopaths and desperados).

No pressure, this is a simple meeting to see if we are compatible, as you can imagine, the response has been overwhelming and I have had a lot of people apply for this role

Ok first question: Why do you want to be my new partner?”

Shit. Ok well, ok well I’m single and lonely. Also I feel that my skills (attentiveness, patience, good listener) and experience (loads of partners) are conducive to this position. I have the requisite background (social status), education (I read ‘Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus’, and watched the Notebook and 50 shades) and I’m pretty confident in my skillset (an absolute polecat in bed)

Second stage interview — a drink

“Ok I liked our initial first stage and feel that we should take this to the next stage. So we will schedule a proper interview (drinks) and see if we are compatible, there will be a set of questions so we can establish suitability.”

Ok so now you actually have to prove yourself suitable for the role. This is a proper date. Act accordingly.

“So it says here that you got fired from your relationship with Sarah?”

“Yeah i put 100% into that role, I totally gave my all, but the relationship moved into a new dynamic, and the business was ultimately was taken over by a new investor, whose intentions were not aligned with mine, so I left.”

“Ok so she left you for Brad, the hot banker?”

“It was a hostile takeover, I was surplus to requirements. I accepted voluntary redundancy and a handsome severance package (got custody of Remy Martin, the French Bulldog)

Third stage interview — drinks and dinner

“Where do you see yourself (us) in two years?”

Well I’m hoping to develop the relationship and be promoted to a higher level of responsibility (I get to load the dishwasher) and hopefully undertake some training (Understanding how to work the dishwasher)

“Ok well this is the first of the practical tests, its a simple kiss, no tongues, just getting a feel of the chemistry you would bring to this role”

My goodness the first kiss is EVERYTHING. It’s basically the same format as a wedding kiss, it needs to be a belter, but in no way erotic or porno, as Jesus and your aunty Jean is watching.

Ok you did your best, well done.

“Well thank you for your time. Well get back to you in 2–4 days”

At this point you are potentially in the game. Stay cool. At this point you need to look at your other options, this is leverage, yes we all have our dream job but you need a strong second choice, and you need them to feel like they are your first choice. Thats not bad or duplicitous, thats the game.

Fourth stage interview — fourth date

“Ok well what do you want? What are your usual expectations?”

Well a stable attachment style would be good. Regular healthy sex, a yearly bonus scheme (we don’t kink shame here, but i’m thinking some weird sex stuff) and a contract that protects us both from toxic behaviour. Oh and I need to discuss the notice period. It says here 2 months of toxic texting but I’d like to suggest a clean break on firing. I understand the non-compete clause (I wont date or have sex with any of your friend/family)

The fifth and final stage interview — SEX!

Sex is like the final boss stage of any video game, you’ve used all your power ups so you need to focus and bash away and hopefully you will reach a conclusion.

No cheat codes here. Sex is absolutely the final interview for a relationship and if you pass then you will get the position you want, with the right person, enjoy and best of luck.

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Mat Venn

Designer. Dad. Cyclist. Runner. Flâneur. Autodidact. Piano student. Writer of intelligent balderdash. Fondue enthusiast. Hopeless romantic