Adventures in Veganism

An idiots guide to dating a Vegan

Contains Scientology and the words ‘Kale’ and ‘Hog Roast’ — proceed with caution…

A Broccoli, yesterday — just look at his stupid fucking face.

Ok so I recently started dating a really lovely lady. Trouble is she’s a Vegan (eurgh). A total plant-based one. Not even a crafty ‘Cheegan’ (Vegan + Cheese) or a ‘Veggan’ (Vegan + Eggs).

Veganism to me was the unfortunate intersection of food fetish and eating disorders. It’s dreadful and boring and for hippies and Extinction Rebellion types.

Also meat is awesome. We are supposed to eat meat and drink gravy. Cheese is a gift from god and a buttered crumpet is a Grade I Epicurean Landmark. You can remove the Carnitas Burrito from my cold dead hand. And absolutely don’t get me started on Yorkshire Puddings…

Now I always said I’d never date a professional plant fanatic (eurgh), but like most of my biased judgemental horsecrap, it’s not actually that bad. Could a big carnivorous love-bucket like me actually date a Vegan (eurgh)?

So I decided to try to make this work, for science (and my anthropological needs, obvs). Here’s the results of my scientific experiment (and it is actual science).

Prologue: Denial & Bargaining (AKA Ideological analogy-based gaslighting)

Ok I’m not proud of this but my opening gambit was to go with my tried and tested ‘Scientology Defence’.

Whenever you have a person with an unreasonable and incompatible ideology (Vegetarianism, CrossFit, Cat Ownership, etc) you need a wildly inappropriate analogy, based on an even more ridiculous belief system, to make crass straw man comparison arguments to force a compromise. You need an ideologically bonkers concept to compare Veganism (eurgh) to. Then you can guilt said ‘Animal Rights Fetishist’ into enjoying a baked Camembert together. She’ll capitulate cos its science and that’s what adults do, they use science. I mean if only there was an ideology based around science?

So I told her I was a Scientologist. It’s not my best idea but my thought process was solid. Conversation goes like this:

(Vegan Girl — VG) “Why are you a Scientologist?”

Me: being a Thetan is the same reason you are Vegan. I believe that a human is an immortal, spiritual being (Thetan) that is resident in a physical body, and follow a part sci-fi based doctrine and part A-list celebrity-endorsed, donation-based hierarchical ranking (caste) system. It’s healthy and rids the body of toxins. It’s what Tom Cruise does and he’s fucking amazing.

Tom Cruise is 92 years old. He lives on a diet of Steak and Eggs. The power of Scientology!

VG “But it’s ridiculous!”

Me: Um, that’s not very kind to my people. If I respect your Veganism (eurgh) then why can’t you respect L Ron Hubbard?

VG “Who?”

Me: Ok well I learned all about Tofu and you can’t even try to learn about L Ron? That’s pretty selfish?

VG “Ok I’m sorry baby, it just seems like a false equivalence”

Me: Ok well I’m really disappointed and I brought you this gift of compromise (hands over a stunning bouquet of Broccoli) as I am supporting your ethical stance on animal welfare, and I know you want to support my beliefs too as it’s exactly the same (lol)

VG “But it’s Scientology!”

Me: It’s my beliefs, I expect you to support and honour my beliefs as I do yours. If you disagree then eat this Hog Roast bap and I’ll renounce my membership to the church and we’ll call it even. Cmon we are both being silly ( BSc (Hons) Gaslighting)

VG “I can’t not be vegan, it’s my life.”

Me: Ok (hands Hog bap to Oxfam Chugger) I understand, let’s discuss this later and come to a compromise…

Chuggers — worse than Vegans

Genesis: Acceptance (AKA Big Simpin’)

Ok so now I have put my Foie Gras dispenser on Ebay, and agreed to at least consider cutting down on Rabbit Fricassee.

I’m now a textbook Simp. (Simp is Internet slang for someone who shows excessive sympathy and attention toward another person, typically someone who does not reciprocate the same feelings, in order to win their affection. This is usually done in pursuit of a sexual relationship.)

Gordon would never be a Vegan.

Wait…sexual relationship? Well that sounds just dandy. Let's be honest, most men will do pretty much anything to get their card stamped. Its just Kale and some occasional shitty fake pizza, cant be that hard.

Ok well Vegan sex is a pretty amazing carrot to put on the on the stick of a carnivore involuntary celibacy (Cincel). Also Vegan sex is just like regular sex, except its healthier, and you can introduce plants into the bedroom (probably)

I AINT no Simp tho…

Chapter 1: Truth (AKA Acceptance)

Animals are not meant to be farmed, humans aren’t supposed to eat meat, and the best thing we can do as a species is turn to a plant-based diet. Not me tho as I love Roast Lamb. Also milk and cheese.

Take cows milk for example. Why should I have to drink that shitty Oat stuff?

Most human beings are lactose intolerant. Humans are the only mammal that continue to drink milk after the nursing (breastfeeding period). We create an enzyme called Lactase, which helps us process the Lactose in milk. After we have stopped nursing (12 months to whatever, I don’t kink shame), we produce less Lactase, which is why most humans are intolerant to cows milk.

Also thats Cows milk! Its for baby cows.

“But it's sooo good!”

It’s only milking a lady cow, right? I mean thats what dairy cows are for right?

Er no. That poor lady cow is constantly either pregnant or being intensively milked with nothing else in between, and their calves (in milk production, cow children are an unfortunate byproduct of pregnancy) are taken away to either be slaughtered for Veal (baby boy cows) or artificially inseminated from as young as 15 months (baby girl cows)

Once that poor adult high-yielding lady cow has done 5–6 years of constant birthing and milking, often standing in her own faeces, suffering from mastitis, is finally rewarded by being slaughtered by bolt gun and made into hamburgers.

I hugely dislike PETA, but this is worth a watch as it shows how milk is intensively farmed.

Ok so now giving up milk is easier for me to swallow (pardon the pun)

Also eating beef is rare for me, I’m a lamb guy but I digress…

Verdict: Leave the cows alone. It’s shitty being a farmed cow. Also the methane they create is having a negative effect on global warming.

Chapter 2: Duplicity (AKA Vegan versions of proper stuff)

This is my main issue with Veganism (eurgh)

Food — The vegan versions of proper food are not versions. Vegan sausages are simply not sausages. Vegan cheese is atrocious. It’s made of the tears of animal rights protesters.

Vegan ice cream is, however a revelation. Vegan Almond Magnum ice creams are sex on a stick. I ate three in a row and saw Jesus Christ.

Absolute filth. The devils work. Straight up nasty. Perfect.

Clothing — Ok I cant even wear Merino? For fucks sake. It's just a lambs extra coat, right? Nope thats another industry that Vegans wont tolerate, and quite rightly. And forget about Leather, even in the bedroom…

Music — There are even vegan versions of your favourite music:

Tiny Tempeh


Tofu Fighters

Chapter 3: Assimilation (AKA stealth Veganism)

The reality is that a great deal of the stuff you eat in your average, reasonably healthy diet, is already Vegan.

Most Asian food is easy to tweak to make vegan. Most decent Indian food is already vegetarian. Chips are vegan, beer is vegan, peanut butter, a lot of breads including sourdough, wraps and flatbreads, Soy sauce, ketchup, all salad and vegetables (obvs), and even the humble Falafel is vegan. Udon noodles, rice noodles, all fruit (obvs) and yes, even water is vegan. It’s like learning French, 30% of the English language is derived from the French language, courtesy of the Norman cheese eating surrender monkeys. Ironically no French people can ever be Vegan due to a genetic disorder (le science)

Epilogue: Ok lets (vegan) wrap this up

Vegans are brilliant. You can’t expect them to change their beliefs, as they are 100% right. I will never be proper Vegan, but by being a vegan sympathiser I enjoy all kinds of new healthy food which is better for the planet, and for my broken body. Its cured my IBS and I have more energy. Also the sex is amazing. Yeah I said it.

Told you I ain’t no Simp.



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Mat Venn

Designer. Dad. Cyclist. Runner. Flâneur. Autodidact. Piano student. Writer of intelligent balderdash. Fondue enthusiast. Hopeless romantic