10 Uses for the new Apple Credit Card

Apples new credit card, designed to disrupt both banks and credit card companies, despite literally being the photogenic 3 parent IVF child of a bank (Goldman Sachs) a credit card company (MasterCard), and Tim Apple.

Apple recently launched Apple Card, an innovative, new kind of credit card created by Apple and designed to help customers lead a ‘healthier financial life’.

A healthier financial life (arguably acheived by NOT having a credit card, but I digress) is a very nice way of saying if you know exactly how much you are spending in Pret a Manger, you will have enough left to buy a £1000 telephone.

Also you don’t need an actual credit card, as you have a digital wallet, made famous, by… Apple.

So what are the real use case for this innovation powerhouse?

1. Cocaine chopper.

The ‘Shoreditch Gak Portion Appropriation Methodology’ device (SGPAM)

A titanium credit card, designed by Apple, and used by the creative industry? Hello?

2. An electric car windscreen de-icer

This is clearly an industry to disrupt

Teslas are not impervious to a frozen windscreen or two. The issue with plastic credit cards is they are far too flimsy. Titanium should fix that issue.

3. Opening doors in movies

Its how the cool people who lose their keys, open their doors

Opening a door without a key is tricky. But if you have a credit card, simply stick it in the gap and run it downwards. It should open the door.

4. Scissor sharpener

Its impossible to cut up an Apple card with scissors. So next time you default on your monthly payment, they cant even cut your card up like in the old days. Wahoo, so use the card to keep your scissors (and knives) lovely and sharp.

5. iPhone kickstand

Yes we have all done this, but now you can stay on brand and use your Ti card, to prop up your Ti (Al) phone. All you need is a bit of Sugru, a coin, and opposable thumbs.

6. Self defense throwing star

Of course, throwing stars are illegal, but a Ti credit card could be the only thing stopping you getting merked for your £1000 iPhone on the night bus. If you are lucky they will just take the card.

7. Bookmark

A Titanium Apple bookmark. Perfect when reading the average number of books read by a CEO, which according to Harvard is 60 books per year, or five books each month. Which is of course perfectly reasonable.

8. Spoon

Plastic is so bad for the environment. You can use your Titanium card to eat Hummus, possibly chow mein, definitely Avocado. Expect a software update or two, and they should iron out any technical difficulties

9. Avocado prep tool

Millennials love their Avo. Using the new Apple Titanium card, you can cut, de-stone, scoop and mash Avocado, saving money, which helps to achieve ‘healthier financial life’. Is so achingly ‘woke’ too

10. Pocket Warmer

Titanium was discovered in 1791, but it was not named until 1795. It was first isolated in 1910, by heating TiCl4 with sodium in a steel bomb at temperatures from 700–800 C. What does this have to do with a pocket warmer? nothing I just like those factoids. Titanium has a high melting point of 3135°F (1725°C). Which means you can heat it up and then use it when the temperature drops. You cant do that with a plastic card. Or a digital wallet.

So where are we with all this? Humans like shiny things. Humans like status, privilege, and a handy visual Skeuomorph of the old days when cards were a way of compartmentalising your socio economic identity and class.

tl;dr Apple are not innovating anymore.

Design Director. Dad. Cyclist. Flâneur. Piano student. Fondue enthusiast. Not necessarily in that order

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